At so many times throughout the past I have felt that I am failing at everything... Anybody else? :) It is probably one of the most difficult things to deal with personally when it becomes acute. It also seems to foment the study of one of the most-preached doctrines in churches today. But in the end, I am almost grateful that as people we go through this kind of trial; I believe that this anxiety can impulse us to learn about the true nature of Christ and His mercy towards us. Is not this the anxiety which leads us to understand by experience the true meaning of Grace? My hope here is that by studying the words of Christ I might come to a better understanding personally of what is Christ's role is in this dilemma, and what is mine.
First, a point in which I think all Christians generally believe is that Christ has the unique power to cleanse and to purify. I love reading the many testimonies that declare that through faith in Christ we can be made pure, and that our sin can be washed away. A passage of scripture that has always been a part of me says: "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like Crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18). I do know for myself that when I approach God with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit" He heals, purifies and cleanses me beyond any power of my own that I could ever possess, and that it would be impossible for me to do so on my own (Psalms 51:17). What I and many others have felt is the newness that comes immediately afterward. This is being "born again" as Christ perfectly described (John 3:3-5). In this moment the cleanliness we feel is so strong that we feel no desire to do evil, but "to do good continually" (Moroni 7:13). It has been in these kinds of moments in my personal life when I experience the overwhelming feeling that I want to be perfectly loving, charitable, and true to whatever the Lord should ask of me. Isaiah's experience was the same: after having been purged by a live coal, his desire was to go and share the good news about Christ with all people (Isaiah 6). But there comes a danger with time: that of forgetting the real motive for doing good. Usually unknowingly, at some point I start to think that I must engage in good works because that is actually what makes me good. Step by step I start to unconsciously equate my salvation with the "righteous" things that I do. It would be like someone wanting to love others with the express intent that people laud his or her goodness, so as to increase his own gratification. They would want praise because it would confirm the idea that they "are good". Sounds a little Pharisaical, huh? In contrast, there may be some that feel that because they have had an experience accepting Christ as their Savior they are now safe, regardless of what they do in the future. The truth they will probably agree with, though, is that Christ still wants us to work and to labor in His vineyard as a natural consequence of our changed heart. That is the way that I feel: once converted, Christ still wants me "to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly" (Micah 6:8). I believe strongly that there can be no equivocation in this; He wants us to expend our very best efforts in serving our fellow men. There can be no justification in slacking off, because taking up one's cross to follow Christ indeed requires all we possess. Since the Cross He bore to Golgotha was certainly not light for Him, I can only imagine that following Him as He has asked us to do cannot be easy in the least. We simply cannot give up at giving our very best. The key difference in mentality here is that the changed heart always redirects the glory to God for the works that follow. The motivation for doing good works must always be humility, faith and thanks to God, and never for personal reasons. So, are we saved by our works? No. But there wouldn't be saved any man who does not have them. They are inseparable with the process of faith and conversion. Faith requires effort and work on our part for it to be real faith. Could this be termed as doing some kind of "work" to qualify for salvation? Well, serving in the Kingdom is never easy and yes, it is definitely "work". But it should be done with total deference to God alone, "lest any man should boast" (Ephesians 2:9). We keep the commandments because we love Him (John 14:15). And, in the end, Christ mercifully gives the same wage to all of the laborers in His vineyard, regardless of the time they have been there. Because one's works are a consequence of a changed heart, doing more of them does not buy more salvation. Ultimately the process of repenting and overcoming sin is not an isolated event. One's heart does not automatically remain pure forever without effort, as any religious leader might tell you after seeing good people make sorry choices and fall away. I believe that good works characterize Christians when they are truly converted, allowing that "all men [might] know that we are [his] disciples" because we "have love one to another" (John 13:35). But unless we live day to day in one continual struggle to overcome temptation and never forget Christ we will fall prey. Since we need Christ's forgiveness constantly, we need His grace constantly. Therefore we need faith and a broken heart--also constantly. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved" (2 Nephi 10:24, italics added). And so, in terms of the anxiety, I believe that all this time I have been misunderstanding grace and works: I entertained the fear at some level that I had to bring salvation to myself. If that were the case, then being perfect really would be a big deal... But there was already someone who did that for me. All I need to do initially is to have faith in Him, which faith should motivate my following His every command at all times. If I should now fall short, I need to come unto Him again. I cannot stew over little mistakes and let them destroy me. As a side-note this is why I believe--at least in part-- that covenants made and administered by correct authority are essential: they are a way to commit ourselves to a course of action with promised blessings from obedience. In the end, as a disciple of Christ has said: "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God" (Moroni 10:32), as Moroni seals up the Book of Mormon). And the great missionary Paul, about his own labors in the vineyard: "For I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me" (1 Corinthians 15:9-10).
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