I know how silly it is that I've allowed so much time to go by without posting. I'll make this quick, and simple however. That seems to be the best way to do most things. :)
I'm grateful for health, and that when my health wasn't so great that my husband stayed home from work to help me with the 2 babies (Anya and Syeva), my mom and sister called and talked and made me laugh, and brought me unexpected visits and a tray of cheese...mmm!
I'm grateful for the light and warmth of our home. Windows are huge, and you can see God's beauty all around--like a constant reminder of the Creator.
I'm grateful for prayer. There are times when I'm at a loss of human knowledge of what to do. I'm not sure if any human would know what to do except give up, which I contemplated. However, when I've prayed in these moments, I find that Our Father in Heaven is SO MUCH CLOSER than we would ever think, and so merciful. He knows our weaknesses, our strengths, our limits--well, He gave them to us...He just wants to see what we do with them, and how much we will still trust in Him ESPECIALLY when it gets hard. For this...I am so eternally grateful.
I'm grateful for people around us of all sorts, especially family. We learn so much from the quest to love unconditionally and perfectly. When we know a person's deepest darkest secrets it becomes a much more involved and needed quest. I'm grateful for the ability to learn patience, understanding, service, and love. The ability to be around others and appreciate them for exactly who they are, as Christ would.
I am most grateful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and His miraculous, unfathomable atonement. It means...I can change. I can be better today than I was yesterday. I can take the good from the past, yet leave behind all the unneeded baggage, fears, regrets and doubt...because through Him I am changing, becoming better--daily being renewed. Today is a new day, because My Savior loves me, and suffered for me. He daily walks with me...he knows each pain, each worry, each insecurity, each joy, how each tender mercy touches me. He understands me like no one, ever, EVER could. He understands me. He's okay with me. Not only that, He's proud of me and cheering me on at every hill, every bump, every fall, every turn. He's okay with ME, imperfections and all--after all, He made me. :) I am soooo grateful that I can return home clean and better, that I have hope for a bright future that goes on forever, a learning that grows forever, and a family that lasts forever. That I can have Him next to me, arms around me, seeing through what other's can't at the judgement bar. He's fighting for me...for each of us--our literal advocate with the Father. It's nice to have someone on our side whom we never deserved, and never needed to. :) Someday, however, I pray to deserve Him, His sacrifice, and His love--I'll fight for it, however impossible it may be, whether I can actually reach this end or not, I feel like that's where I should be.
November 4th, 2013
I have decided that this is a part of our blog that will help me keep track of what the Lord has done for us. Not the big things, but the little things each day. Sometimes I will tell stories. Other times, I will simply make a list of things seemingly meaningless to others, but that show that God is mindful of me, and my little family each day.
Today, my heart is incredibly touched by the love of my Savior. Past events have shown me exactly the way that he cares about and loves me, and today's events even. Everything I look at today, and touch is a perfect representation of God's love. If He loves me, and displays it through blessings now, it means that He does this in spite of my imperfections, which I often hate in myself. And yet, He loves me so perfectly. Lifts me, and encourages me. Apparently, to Him, I'm worth it. I just need to believe that myself.
Last Wednesday, my mom and my sisters all went to the temple to do initiatories (Joanna having just gone through the temple, and leaving soon for her mission) and later out to Subway. I've been feeling more down than is easy to bare lately. I haven't felt much like myself. It's been easy to think little of myself and others simply because I felt like I could rarely succeed, or make a difference. In the temple, I ran into a lady whom I had never before met. She looked at me, however, and immediately recognized my face. Said, "You grew up in Springville, didn't you--I believe I knew your family and watched you all grow up." I confirmed that yes, I had grown up there. I looked at her nametag, to see a last name that I hadn't heard in a while. It clicked! "Wait, do you have a daughter named Brittney?" I asked. "Yes." A little more talking, I mentioned that we had graduated and played the flute together. "What was your maiden name?" "Burrows." "Oh, you're Tabitha!" She knew me! Yet I had never met her...just her daughter. "My daughter looked up to you so much. You were the epidemy of what she wanted to be." "Oh, I just thought I was nobody..." "Well, not to her."
As I found a moment when I was sitting alone, I began to cry. Just sobbing! And yet I felt warm, and light--as if the weight of doubt and worldy worries had been suddenly lifted. Thinking back to highschool--the only thing I had done was try do my best at everything I was involved in (I was never perfect), and try to be kind to EVERYONE. The recent years, especially in my profession, had made me doubt exactly those things. Making my best never seem like quite enough. Making my kindness seem like weakness, and my faith, my vulnerability. In a moment, listening again to the blessings of the temple, I knew, I KNEW, that God loved me. That He understood the anguish of identity and heart I'd been going through for years. The hopelessness I felt at having thought I was doing the right thing before Him but having the world tell me that I was failing time and time again. Somehow, the one verse of scripture I had time to read had to do with Charity. The words ran through my head time and time again saying "Charity never faileth...Charity never faileth! Never!" I now definitely know this scripture is true. :)
Who I am is someone different than the world wants me to be. But God is okay with who I am. In fact, He is very proud of who I am. He loves me, and meeting with this mother, who I had never met, whose daughter remembered, and even looked up to me because of a simple, quiet example proves the scripture true, and proves my worth which I had begun to doubt was even there. Isn't that incredible? I am loved, and on the right track so long as I trust in Him, and no one should change my mind or say otherwise.
Also, a huge blessing that seems to me unforgettable today is my home. When given a warning that we would soon have to leave our apartment nearly 2 years ago. Immediately, though it didn't make total sense, Erik and I were both impressed to begin searching for a home. Our first attempt at a home found us a sweet, honest Realtor, Tiffany, who was to become more of a friend and blessing than anything. Valentines day brought us to a home where we didn't even know if we were allowed to see it. Try as we may for hours couldn't get ahold of anyone, so just walked up to the front door, put on sweet puppy dog eyes, and rang the bell--the lady took pity on us, and let us see her home. We fell in love from everything from the high ceilings to the balcony out back of the kitchen, with a perfectly bright red and orange sunset, to a master bathroom with swirly pink marble, and a basement with a stage, hula skirts and palm trees. (The latter we didn't quite love, but it did make us laugh, and we saw potential.:) ) That night we raced to put in an offer. Only a week before had the asking price been lowered considerably. The home was a shortsale, and we wanted to be sure to be accepted, and offered just a little more than asked. We were the 2nd offer in! Before us was a very low offer--unlikely to be accepted by the bank. The next day, numerous other offers came in. We had somehow found this beautiful home on a hill just in the nick of time. So, we waited. And waited, and WAITED! We began to lose hope as weeks, and weeks, and several months went by. Losing hope we began to continue to look for homes, and convinced ourselves that we had found some that we liked just as much as the "Springville home", even though we always knew that it was our favorite, and by far better. But, nonetheless, we placed a few offers, trying to follow the spirit to the best of our abilities. Strangely enough--time and time again when everything should have been fine there were extenuating circumstances which made our offers fall through, or led others to get the homes before us! We weren't sure what was going on, but continued our search for a while. When we discovered that nothing else seemed to work, we decided to simply wait on the home that was taking an excruciatingly long time, but seemed to be the only one condoned by God. (I didn't mention a dream that I had had, which involved the staircase of our home, and simply could not be found in any other home--another of God's ways of telling me this home was right) More than a year after we had placed our Valentines day offer, things began to move. With the long wait inbetween, however, the market had gone up, and the bank after already accepting our offer, wanted to raise the price 60,000 dollars! Prayer and a little stubborness thanks to both Tiffany and the seller's Realtor kept the price the same, however. Talk about a miracle! I was pregnant with Anya, and worried about the timing of everything. She was coming soon whether we liked it or not, and it would be REALLY HARD to move in right after having a baby. Everything worked out perfectly. Last day of March, we cleaned the carpets and began to move in. With a week to spare--because Anya came whether we were ready or not April 13th.
Saturday we were able to have friends and family over for a Christmas/farewell party for my sister Joanna. I am still amazed that this home is under our stewardship. Still amazed that every morning I wake up to a happy, light-filled home with perfect panoramic views of mountains and valley. Amazed that God would trust me so much as to give me so great a blessing! I only hope that I'll be able to consecrate it properly to him. This home is definitely not ours. The miracles which led up to its attainment can never be ignored. I only hope to be sensitive enough to use it for God's work, always. I will never be fully worthy of this gift, but I can sure do all I can to thank God by serving Him with my whole heart!
Anya is the sweetest baby ever. Her babble is ever growing. She's popped her bottom teeth and continuing to teeth. She constantly makes me laugh, and reminds me what is great about life. Keeps me humble with my lack of sleep, because it forces me to depend on God. Jeepers--was there ever a family that was as blessed as we?!
Erik's job is right in his field. He has long hours, and sometimes stressful situations. It makes us treasure the good moments together even more--lets us know how precious they are. We don't have insurance, or a very forgiving budget right now, but somehow we've been blessed with health, and a means to live within our means.
Our ward is kind. The people reach out so much. They are definitely not afraid to be themselves. Erik and I both need that example right now. This is where we were meant to be.
Elizabeth's roof caved in. My ward, though they don't know her, have been more than supportive. The big things we didn't sell at yardsales, somehow I was prepared in my knowledge of KSL to sell them there!
I want to homeschool my kids. Isn't it perfect that I have the experience as a teacher?
The world is morally confused--isn't it great that I can control the home that I create with my best friend? The safe haven that my children come home to? That Erik and I agree so well on the way we will love and raise our children? The home has more of an influence on the world than anything else. Didn't I say that charity never faileth?
I have a loving, exciting family closeby. I have support in an instant when I need it. I am absolutely cared for and loved by many.
I could go on and on, and will in the days to come. To my Father in Heaven I am forever grateful.